Today is one of those days where everything turns into shit...
I found out more secrets my boyfriend kept from me, and my cousin might have brain cancer... Just fucking shit...

Well, it's been about four months since my last entry, since then I've started my second semester in college and well, hopefully this semester I find more time to update this blog. Well ever since I last wrote here things have changed a lot.

First off I did good last semester. I got a 2.77 GPA, not exactly perfect but it's fine so I'm ok with my grades. I'm not the most popular person on campus but I have awesome friends. Joyce, Rosalba and Dahyana, they are the best most awesome people here lol.

This semester I'm taking better classes than my last one. Last time I was taking Sociology, American Sign Language, Culture and Society in the West and College Writing. This semester I'm taking Intro to Psychology, Intro to Neuroscience, Intro to U.S Politics, Fact and Interpretation of History and Culture and Society in the West 2. They are all fun and I'm enjoying myself lol.

Matt and I are still together even though I didn't think we could make it. Well, we have so far! I mean, we've gone through so many rough patches but I guess that's what a normal relationship is like, but our relationship is far from normal. He said some things the other day that are making me think. I tried to break up with him and found that I couldn't. Maybe I'm just too used to being with him.

Joyce and I started planning our Spring Break and we might go to L.A. That would be frigging awesome! Also, we were going on the Tyra Banks show in 2 weeks but we called and reescheduled because Ehret, and possibly Doug were going on the same day we were planning on going. And that was just gross.

I haven't written poetry in what feels like years. I don't know why. But I started writing a short story a few nights ago. I still need to finish it.
I've been listening to Shakira a lot. I just realized that I have all her cds and that she is one of my favorites.

I have to wake up at 8:30AM tomorrow for class. It's so depressing, I like to sleep.

I need to start seeing Shanaz (My psychologist) again. I've been feeling a little blue lately. I'm just a drama queen I guess.


So since I mentioned how much I like Shakira now, I leave you with some lyrics of a song that I can relate to so much right now.

I guess my transition to college is running smoothly.
I partied finally. Had fun.
I've studied hard. Done all my work.
Hopefully I do well for the rest of the year
I like my roommates.
My only problem is in the mornings.
When Cam's alarm goes on, he leaves it for like 10 minutes without turning it off.
I hate that sound. I hate it so much in fact, that my alarm is Rebecca singing because I don't want to hear the buzzing of an actual alarm. But then Cam leaves it for like 10 minutes. It's annoying. I should say something but I don't want to be rude.

Anyways, yeah, college life is great.
Not so great though is my relationship with Matt. I've only been here for 12 days and it's amazing how everything has changed. Our relationship has turned on it's axis in just 2 weeks.
I don't even know where I stand anymore on this issue.
I've been doing a lot of thinking and end up contradicting myself.

I am afraid of moving on. What if I find someone I like a lot and would like to start a relaionship with this person? Then, where do I leave Matt?
What if he leaves me? What if he is the one who finds someone better?

I love "Words Get in The Way" by Jewel. Here are the lyrics:

You can tell by the stars in my eyes
Dawn always comes too soon
It hurts me like a bruise
There's a hole in my pillow
Where you used to be
It feels like a hole in the middle of me

Oh, oh, oh just take my hand
To have and hold if not obey
Oh, oh, oh say you're still my man
I'll try to find the words to say
That i want you always to stay
To wake up with you every single day
But words get in the way
Words get in the way

 

My first week at Purchase has been hectic.

I love this place though. I love my classes, my professors, the wonderful people I've met, the campus, everything!!

I see some great relationships starting to blossom already, some great people I want to get to know better and all that.

This weekend I'm going to Matthew's house. I am so excited to see him. I miss him so so much.

So I am hungry. I am going to The Hub find some food.

I will update again as soon as I have time!!

 

I am currently listening to music on Pandora.com
I love pandora now. I've discovered some great new music with it.
It's refreshing to find new music, new things I like, or might like.


I'm trying to see life in a new perspective, trying to erase the preconceived notions I posses; About everything: my emotions, my feelings and relationships. I'm trying to learn that just because I'm not familiar with some things it means that they are bad.

I want to form my own ideas about life, erase all the beliefs imported to me from some one else. I think I'm finally maturing and obviously changing. The things I like and dislike are not the same as they were two years ago, 2 months ago for that matter!

I'm starting to realize that my past is no longer a part of me. It is nothing but a memory, and the things I've done will not repeat. This applies to my relationships as well. For some time I let the vexes of my past define my future. I let my past disillusions keep me from getting attached to amazing new people out of fear.

I've made a resolution to not let these things get in the way anymore.

Today I just stayed at home resting.
I watched a Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency marathon. It was nice to spend the most of the entire day on the couch watching hot people on tv

I like doing these cuz I like talking about myself:

Do you think it is a sign of weakness to cry?
No, it's only human nature.

If you could stop time at any moment in your life, what would you be doing when you stopped it?
Having sex :D


Have you had a falling out with any of your friends lately?
Yeah, kinda.

What character in any movie do you feel like and why?
I always relate to the main character. Because I'm always the important one and only I matter

Would you tell someone the harsh truth, even though you know it would make them angry?
I always do.

Would you ever consider changing your sex?
No, I'm happy being a gay man.

If you could change a part of your life but it would effect your present, would you?
No. Those experiences have made me who I am today.

What do you think of the "emo" style?
Whatever, be whoever you want..just as long as it's yourself.

If you had a time machine, what would be the first year you visited?
2007... I made a lot of mistakes last year. I would go back and try to correct them

What's your most important possession?
My boyfriend xD

Do you have to like someone to love them?
I love my family

What do you consider love to be like?
I love many people, many things. Love is something that gives you joy and even when it hurts you, you always find a way to forgive.

When do you want to die?
When I achieve all my goals and have no more to pursue

Would you want to live forever?
No.

What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you?
Nothing. When something bad happens to me I just try to get over it and scratch it out of my memory. Bad things don't affect me as much as they should and they certainly don't define me.

Do you know anyone who cuts?
Not that I'm aware of.

What's on your mind most today?
Nothing really. Today is just a "chill day" I guess. Just taking it easy.

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Yes

Have you ever called a person useless?
Yes, but I didn't mean it.

Do you usually tell people when they hurt your feelings?
Yes

Something you just don't understand?
Republicans.

If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?
I am just in thought. or ANGRY

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
Most definitely

Are you there for your friends?
Yes

Are you a forgiving person?
Yes

Are you a jealous person?
I can be .

How many TRUE friends do you have?
2

What is more difficult: looking into someones eyes when telling how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they tell you how they feel?
Looking someone in the eye when you are telling them how you feel.

Does sex=love?
I only have sex with someone when I have feelings for them. So yes, at least for me.

What would be harder for you, to tell someone you love them or that you do not love them back?
Not loving them back.



iTunes Survey

So, what are you listening to right now?
Disturbia- Rihanna

What's your top listened to song?
Britney Spears- Heaven on Earth

Do you have songs you haven't even listened to?
Yes.

What's the last song, or songs, you added to your library?:
Eternity- Robbie Williams

What are you listening to now?
I just said...

How many songs do you have by this artist?:
5
How did you acquire all this music anyways?
Huh?
What artist do you have the most songs/albums from?:
Britney Spears
Do you like acoustic songs?:
Yeah

Today I learned an important lesson.
My actions have consequences.
I hurt people who care about me when I say hurtful things.
Also the things I do, the way I act, the things I say have an impact on those who surround me.


Matt came over today and met Johanny for the first time.
We had dinner and watched a documentary on JFK.
The food was good. So was dessert.

I watched Transamerica after Matthew left. It was good I guess

I don't know what I'm gonna do tomorrow. Probably go to Target and get the things I'm gonna need for my dorm and stuff.

Well I'm gonna go now. I'm probably gonna go watch some movie on HBO before I go to sleep, depends on what's on :P

Today sucked.... that's it. I won't even go into details because I just want to erase it from my memory.

In case I ever do want to remember it, I will refer to it as the day I went back to fucking Union Square...

Woke up early this morning. Did some meditation last night before going to sleep and Yoga this morning when I woke up... Today I noticed for the first time that yoga can be painful... I guess I never paid attention to the pain and focused on the breathing instead but this morning I did which is kinda strange...

Also strange was the dream I had last night. It wasn't even a dream, it was a nightmare.

In the dream Matt calls me and tells me him and Doug are going to spend the day together. At first I don't mind and just let it go. After a few hours I call Matt and he doesn't answer the phone. I go on AIM and try to contact him and find that he's online and so is Doug... He doesn't answer my message and his status quickly changes to away along with Doug's. My imagination starts running wild and I imagine them both in bed. Naked. Doing it. Eww.

So I figure that since my missed calls and unanswered messages fail to trigger Matt's Troll's remorse I would make Doug feel guilty instead and I call Ehret.

I pretend that I've been trying to reach Doug and ask Ehret if he happens to know where he is and he says "Yeah, right next to me" I laugh in relief, thinking that Matt is there as well and I ask "What are you guys doing?" and Ehret says "I'm driving, so I'm going to put Doug on cuz this is illegal" so when I talk to Doug I ask him if he knows where Matt is and he says he hasn't spoken to Matt in a long time and asks me "How is he?"
"I don't know" I say, "He told me he was going to be with you but obviously he lied"
Doug is shocked and asks me why
"I don't know but I'm scared" I say "Do you mind if I call you back?" I ask with no intention of calling again.

So I hang up and try to locate Matt with his phone's GPS system (I don't even think this is possible but hey, it's just a dream) and I find that he is in Union Square.
I go to where the GPS sent me and I see him.

He's with another guy. Holding hands, kissing... I stand 5 feet away from him and he is so into the guy he doesn't even notice I'm there.  I turn around as I realize that I have two choices:

1. I go up to them and start some drama, or
2. I go back home, ignore his calls and not waste my energy on someone who obviously doesn't deserve it.

When I wake up and think about the dream, I try to change up the characters to see how this would change my story. I use Loukas instead of Matt and think about what I would have done, and realized I only had one option this time instead of two: Not care. Break up with him. Get over it. Move on.

Loukas was never a good boyfriend, and neither was Doug nor any other guy I have been with in the past. I never really got attached to any of them. I was never afraid of them hurting me because they simply couldn't. I did not care about them, and whenever I was faced with making a decision that big there was only one option: Leaving.

My dream made me realize that I really care about Matt and if he did anything like this to me I would be extremely hurt by it and I wouldn't be able to just walk away. He is the only one who I've grown attached to and the only one with the ability to make me cry. I would instead want to talk things over and try to work through them.